Fly Away on Crippled Wings

hello remember me? I'm everything you can't control

♦♦♦ path to destruction ♦♦♦ 918 words ♦♦♦ OUTFIT on the plane, CLUB outfit ♦♦♦ 

There were so many emotions that suddenly took over the girl and she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t stay no matter how much she really wanted to. She needed to get out, to escape. To not be this, whatever this was. She thought she could deal with it all like she usually did but something was wrong and she couldn’t control her own emotions. She had to break free or else her own emotions were going to smother her. It wasn't because she was weak, it was just too much. She wasn't strong enough to fight it this time. And she really didn't know who to talk to. She didn't want to break down in front of her friends and her brother wouldn't understand. Sure she could go to a teacher but what would that do really? Raven didn't see any other real option. Granted she wasn't thinking strait but her mind was made up. She left a note on her roommate’s bed that read:

Hey Dani, this really big intern opportunity to work with a wildlife rescue group came up so I took it. I will be out of town for a couple days without access to technology. If anyone asks just let them know. Thanks! Loves,

Raven.

She hated to lie and didn’t have the courage to text anyone or to face them. If she did she didn’t think she would be able to escape. She didn’t want to break down she wanted to forget, to not feel. She booked a one way flight to NYC and called a cab before placing her phone and her necklace she would always wear on her desk in plain view. She had already put the cats and Onyx in a pet spa for an extended period of time. She couldn’t take them with her. Knowing that everything important was taken care of she grabbed her bags and headed out.

---

Six and a half hours gave her enough time to book a hotel. She went with something cheaper and under a fake id. She didn’t want to be herself, she already didn’t feel like herself and it was driving her mad. This was completely unlike her. If she wanted to get away she would just go to a spa for a couple of days to de-stress. But this little adventure wasn’t to relax. If anything it was going to be toxic. Raven never did anything wrong so she figured she would not be Raven and slip into comatose like state. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel, maybe then she would be free. It was a twisted concept but it was the only one she could think of. Her mind was just not working and after years of hiding behind a smile she was breaking. Raven couldn’t think strait, couldn’t smile. She wondered if the real her was just as fake as she felt right then. She always put up a brave face, used to always have to fake a smile. Sure the last few years at Ashford were wonderful but she still had all of her pint up anger and fear that it was really starting to consume her. She just didn’t want her friends, her family see her that way so she ran. She ran just like Dani had told her to do.

It was evening and the city was bustling. She changed into club attire, a short open back lace dress and donned a white and black wig. She didn’t do it to avoid being recognized but to really become a different person. The club was upscale, loud and dark. She had acquired VIP status and slipped up to the VIP section and grabbed a drink before taking a seat at the lounge looking over the dancers. Laser lights and strobes lit up the dark club. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed a few people join her. The guy was good looking as so was his arm candy. She didn’t really pay much attention to what they were saying, also the loud music made it hard to make it out. She did see the small baggie of pills. If this was any other situation she wouldn’t even be sitting there. Her reasoning for taking the baggie was that it was time to break free of her shell. It was time to stop worrying about everything else. To stop being the perfect child. She never did anything wrong and was still always yelled at it was a wonder she didn’t do something like this sooner. Something through her over the edge recently and she half wondered if it was because she kept it all in for so long that it was time for her to break.

The pill dissolved on her tongue and she finished her drink before taking the man’s hand and heading to the dance floor. All she could feel was the pounding of the music. Her head was fuzzy as she moved with the beat. It was exhilarating and she didn’t want to stop. This is what she wanted, to feel nothing of her own self. She was at the Club all night, everything was a daze as she drank, danced and whatever seemed like a good idea at the time. After she returned to the hotel still in a haze and slept it off till the next evening came around. She woke still feeling the effects of the drugs from the night before, changed and headed to the club again.

Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way
made by @alaya

hello remember me? I'm everything you can't control

♦♦♦ no turning back ♦♦♦ 755 words ♦♦♦ ENDING OUTFIT ♦♦♦ 

The past few days were a blur as Raven sat up in the hotel bed. Next to her was a small bag of more of the pills. She still didn’t even know what she was taking. All that mattered was when she took them she could feel nothing. It felt good. There was nothing to worry about no classes or people to impress. There was nothing. Granted she wasn’t happy but she wasn’t anything right then. Just always in a daze. Raven wasn’t even sure what day it was. She went to reach for her phone then remembered that she left it back at the dorms. Ashford seemed so far away. A distant memory, a dream. She wasn’t even sure now. She was shaking as she stood. She turned on the bath and submerged herself in the hot water. New York City was cold this time of year and quite a sight. She wondered if she should take the time to just explore during the daylight hours.

She dawned a robe as she stepped out of the bath. She didn’t bother to look in the mirror as she passed. She already knew her face was paler than usual and she probably looked horrid. She sat at the edge of the bed picking up the hotel phone to order some room service. Every movement seemed more exaggerated than usual. She could feel her hands shaking slightly as she looked down at them. Raven shook her head and took out her laptop from her bag and opened it up. Maybe something online would help out. In front of her was the Calloway Chat page. It had yet to be refreshed and was still sitting on the chaos of before. She hesitated over the refresh button, tempted but she couldn’t bring herself to click it. Maybe checking emails would be better. Then again maybe not. She didn’t say a word to the administration when she took off and didn’t want to see anything from the school there. Raven knew that if she did see anything from Ashford everything would come back worse than before.

Looking at the date she realized she said she would be back by now. The responsible thing to do was to go back home. To face things there. She had her fun now it was time to pick up the pieces and put the smile back on. She opened the page to book a plane trip back. Her eyes looked back to the pills. Did she really want to go back? The longer she was off the stuff the more anxious she became. Her heart was pounding and she didn’t want to face her own broken pathetic self. Raven placed the computer on the bed and stood up. Pacing back and forth she weighed the options of both. She should go home that was what she would have done in the first place but the drug felt so good. There was no threat of an anxiety attack, no need to worry about breaking down around her friends. Going back would mean facing them after all that had happened. Sure she could clean up real quick and put together her story on the flight back and no one would have to know what happened. She would just keep it to herself like always. She could do it, it wasn’t too late.

Raven’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door “Room Service” She almost jumped out of her skin. “Just leave it there. Thank you” She said through the door, her voice as even as she could make it. She waited for the attendant to leave before open the door and pulling the cart with her food in. Seared scallops in a garlic sauce with house vegetables. She took a bite and it just melted in her mouth. She finished her meal realizing how hungry she really was. When it was finished she looked back at her options. She pulled the computer to her. A few clicks and everything was set. She then put it back in her bag and started to get dressed. It was dark by the time she was done. This time she looked in the mirror to make sure her makeup was done right and the wig was on strait. She then walked back to the bed grabbed the pills and let one dissolve on her tongue before heading out the door to a Rave. Her decision was made. She rather feel good than deal with her crumbling soul.

Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way
made by @alaya

hello remember me? I'm everything you can't control

♦♦♦ attack ♦♦♦ 955 words ♦♦♦ PARTY OUTFIT ♦♦♦ 

It was around two in the morning when Raven stepped outside from the club. The city night was quiet compared to the pounding music in the club. She wanted a breather and the cool air felt good on her hot skin. Her head was still fuzzy from the stupid pills. She had been dancing so much that her feet were blistered but she didn’t notice the pain too much, that is till the morning. She would have to wear something more comfortable next time. She was standing in a back alley way. Not exactly the safest place for anyone. Raven wasn’t really thinking about that. Her mind was still beating with the music and her senses were all jumbled. She didn’t even know who she was dancing with. It just seemed to switch every other new base beat. At least she wasn’t going home with any of the people at the club. She still had enough sense not to do that.

The drugs were starting to wear off again but she still had a drunk haze going on. She would just go back in and take another dose before losing herself in a sea of bodies, lights and music. She didn’t move though. It was like her thoughts had yet to register with her motor skills. Her senses and reaction time was way off. She didn’t care, it meant that she couldn’t feel anything so what were a few motor skills. At least that is what she tried to convince herself. Nothing bad had happened yet and she had been gone for almost a week now if her timing was right. She hadn’t heard anything from home. Not that she was expecting to. She didn’t have her phone and wasn’t checking email or IM. Raven had convinced herself that no one would notice her being gone. She wasn’t really needed right? The more she told herself that the easier it was to stay and continue the destructive path she was on. She pulled off her wig and let her hair down. The damn thing was just getting in the way. She ended up dropping it on the ground as she ran her fingers through her long black hair.

Hey there cutie. What is a little birdy like you doing alone? It took her a moment to register the large guy walking towards her. He was about a head taller than her and seemed built. That is from what she could see in the dim light. What she did notice was the stench of alcohol on his breath as he placed his hand on the wall behind her so he loomed over the girl. She tried to walk off back to the club but she was too slow and he easily stopped her. His other hand now rested on her shoulder as he caressed the side of her face with the other hand. Now, now little bird. Why not have some fun. The only word that she could come up with to describe him was sinister. Everything in her said to run, get away, to scream, anything. But the drug was making simple things like that really hard. “Help me” It was just a whisper, she couldn’t manage a yell. If anything it sounded more like a whimper than anything. She cringed as his hand made its way down her side, slowly outlining her curves. Gladly little bird he whispered in her ear before kissing her neck.

She was just giving up. It was not like her. She would never let someone do this to her but her mind was still too fuzzy to work right. She tried to push away but was too weak to do so. She could feel tears forming in her eyes. Her thoughts went back to her friends back at Ashford, to her brother. She wanted to call for them but couldn’t. Raven had just about given up when she heard the man scream a curse at something. She looked and realized that he was being attacked by three large rats. Her eyes widened as she watched the drunken man try to shake off the rats. He quickly gave up and ran off still cursing. She fell to the ground still in shock, tears rolling down her face. One of the rats walked up to her. You alright? The rat asked followed by the other two. “Ye..Yes…Thank you” She stumbled. Just be careful it is not safe out alone. Raven nodded and stood to go back to the club.

The beating of the music matched her own heart rate. She walked back up to the VIP section and grabbed a drink, her mind spinning. The events played over in her mind and she felt filthy for the first time coming to the city. She downed her drink and was about to take another pill when she hesitated. Was it worth it now? She couldn’t defend herself, she was useless. But wasn’t she already useless. She wasn’t able to really help out her friends, not really. Raven took the pill convinced that things were better this way. She just needed to make sure to not put herself in a situation like that one. She joined the dance floor again, greeted fairly quickly by more dance partners. She barely noticed the mentioning of her lack of wig. Her mind was drifting back to the rats. She really did miss her pets. She wondered if she was going to see them again. She still didn’t know if she was going back. The spa did have her brother’s number if there was anything wrong. Raven lost herself again in the music and the movements around her as she joined the mass of people.

Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way
made by @alaya